Why Am I Bitter?

Relationships History:

I do have complicated relationships with my both parents. It could be the lack of respect I have towards both my biological parents due to …. You be the judge.

My parents divorced when I was 6 going 7. I could live with the fact. They were match made in hell anyway. Kept on fighting and fighting each time they saw each other (why got married in the first place?). But what devastated me & my siblings were :

My bastard biological father abandoned us (my mom and his offsprings) and never even bothered about our lives and how we were doing. My mom was in early stage of pregnancy with my youngest brother when my father married stepmom (while he was still married to my mom!), a Javanese woman from rural, remote area in Johore territory. Owh..my MIL is fucking Javanese BTW. He ‘awarded’ my mom with “TALAK 3”( Islamic ‘feature’ of divorcing a wife -ruthless way by giving the most ‘horrible rank’ or called ‘talak’ which has 3 ranks: 1,2 & 3) when my youngest brother was 4 months old. At the same time, he sold ALL properties he had just so my mom couldn’t claim her rights (children’s rights too!). We were left roofless and forced to go back to my mom’s mother’s place in Yan, Kedah. Now, what he did before is ‘paid’ back in CASH to him as he doesn’t have any belongings (except for his books & NRIC) or any assets, and living at the mercy of his younger wife! He is now half bodily paralysed due to stroke attack. Almighty GOD….What you do is what you get. He used to be wealthy & powerful and owned couple of bungalows/villas in elite areas of Damansara & Sitiawan. He used to brag to his children how fucking stud he was having so many girlfriends including Caucasian girls. Now, he’s complaining that my brothers & I never visited him even during festive seasons. I am LOL!!!

As for my mom, after my father dumped her for another woman (whom very average looking & un-educated), she’s clearly traumatized. I couldn’t recall when she smiled last. She became aloof to her families and very ‘involved’ into her career. I knew what she had gone thru but in a way, after sending us all off to her mom’s kampong, she also ‘abandoned’ us. At the time we needed her most. She mentioned to one of my aunties that my father left her and all she had is ‘burden’ leftovers from her marriage (my brothers & I). It hurt so badly at the time. But, now I’m immune & what left between my parents & I is nothing. No love, no respect, just nothing! It doesn’t suck anymore nowadays as it used to be, seeing other girls being cared for & nurtured by loving mothers & fathers. What I remember about my mom – she used to be at home after work locking herself in her room, not a single hi, nothing. I lost my front tooth when I was 9 years old. Till varsity time she did nothing to fix it and I had a great deal about my self esteem (imagine what it does to your self confidence not having front tooth all the while). She totally ignored me!

Somehow I believe God is looking over me from up there, as I survived my teenage life & completed my study in Uni without my parents around. I have my teachers to thank for & my fierce grandmom who cooked for us for a very long time! “Tuk, I’m also sorry you have to bear my mom’s disrespectful words to you.” I’m not sure what issues my mom having with you, All I know she should at least be thankful that you were willing to take us in. I know I do.

I already have 2 kids but she’s still not able to love her own grandchildren. I don’t think she’s able to love any living soul for as long as she lives. Sigh…
I used to dream about having different set of parents. Hmm…